the facade of the single woman

With the news that there are now more single women than married in the US, there comes the obligatory media celebration and examination of this newly discovered creature, the majority single woman. And there’s the inevitable framing of “singledom” - "since it is now the status quo, it must be great". But the ensuing conversation, as always, is hollow and pointless: a rapid fire discussion about why its better to not be married at all than to enter into a bad relationship.

Now I’m not anti-single girls. I think the new numbers suggest a brilliant and empowering new place for modern women. They suggest that marriage is not “it” – its not the goal or the end-all-be-all. Marriage is simply one of many options that can make up a fascinating and fulfilling life for modern women. But when the Today Show invites the Bachelorette on to talk about how being single until she finds the right man, no matter how long it takes, is OK, I take issue.

What the Bachelorette and the Today Show are saying, in essence, is that its OK to wait until you’re older to find Mr. Right. And that is wrong. It still places marriage at the center of a woman’s life and avoids talking about WHY we should get married in the first place. Here’s a better question: “What makes Mr. Right right?”

First, lets agree that marriage is not necessary. It is ceremony and a shorthand description. Without it, many couples have gone on to lead committed lives and/or build successful families. Marriage begins with a symbolic ceremony that some see as a defining symbol – a statement – and that’s great, too.

But what makes a marriage work is something we do not seem to be ready to discuss. We’ll talk about how to keep “date night” going and improve sex within the marriage, but when we talk about why the single girl should stop being single, we drape the conversation in “checklists” and ephemera, and are afraid to say what needs to be said: lasting, successful marriage is series of compromises made by two imperfect people who choose to build a life together.

Building a life together is about growing together, changing together. Mr. Right today may not be exactly Mr. Right in the next decade. So what do you do then? What happens when he’s no longer the perfect match? So the marriage is now Less-Than-Ideal. What next?

Obviously the answer to that question is a personal one, but at least it’s a question that makes you stop and think.