Disheartened, demoralized

So much to write about, yet I'm finding it really hard to write.

I guess I have to think back to the beginning. In 2004 I was introduced to Barack Obama, was inspired by his message of common American values, goals, and potential. I thought, boy, if ever we could be so lucky to be able to vote for that guy as President!

So here we are within a month of the election and Barack Obama is surging in all the polls and it looks like I may get something I could only have dreamed of 4 years ago.

But at such a cost.

Yes, the economy is falling apart - probably the worst I have or will see in my lifetime. Yet I have faith in the ability of our nation to be resillient in our innovation, and business savvy, and national will.

It is this ugliness that I find so disspiriting, that in a time when all purport to need change, we see a segment of the American population harkening back to its basest self. Xenophobia. Racial mistrust. Outrage at the other. One week ago, Sarah Palin was, to me, a dissapointing example of my sex. Now she has demonstrated her gleeful willingness to whip up the most virulent strains of racism and fear in order to gain political power. She is Rove incarnate.

And, I'll say it: I was the last one in my family to hold to the belief that John McCain was, fundamentally, a principled man. Yes, I said, he'd made a deal with the devil, aligning himself more with the Bush-Cheney base in order to win the nomination, but it was only because this was his last shot. This wasn't really him.

I'm so dispirited and, yes, hurt by what I'm seeing. I had such feelings of hope for my country. That is why Barack Obama spoke to me. It was the reason I disagreed with but respected John McCain for so many years. It was the notion that we were finally ready to move beyond demonization and return to the best of ourselves that we had been at one time.

I know: its probably a dream that this country was ever that - that we ever had overwhelming feelings of unity. But did we at least have a sense of basic respect? Basic decency? A fundamental obligation to respect the process and the people who submit to that process, sacrificing their privacy, their time with family, their freedom to err or be imperfect, in order to stand up and lead?

I did have that kind of respect for John McCain once, and now I just feel sad, disheartened, demoralized.

In a time when our country is falling apart, when any notion of a responsible, conservative, free-market society have come crashing down, all I can think is that I will remember this as the time when, instead of coming together as a rational society with political differences, it was the time when many in our nation decided that hatred of the other was the solution they liked best.

I am trying to convince myself that somehow, despite all I am seeing, this is not who we are.