Quotable Marquez:

“She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children but because of the friendship formed while raising them.”

SUV Conquers Moms

These are the moms I know: educated and/or intelligent, studious with regard to parenting issues, eager consumers of organic foods & products, concerned with our environmental legacy, and fastidious with regard to child safety issues. Well, fastidious to a point.

You see, the mom's I know, by and large, show their Achilles heel when it comes to Car Cool. These moms cannot bear the thought of driving or being seen in a minivan. And, when it came time for many of us to consider having a second child, the truth was revealed: these otherwise smart, eco-conscious moms would be upgrading to an SUV.

It is, I think, the ultimate triumph of the Detroit automakers. These women are convinced that a minivan just plain sucks. Yeah, that's right. THIS minivan. This marvel of parent/child-oriented design. About the only thing that could make this car more perfect for families would be if you made it a hybrid. Oh - wait. There you go.

Not to mention that these loving mommies are more likely to hurt themselves, their children or other people's children in their SUVs.

Way to go, Detroit. You won. And it makes me scared behind the wheel of my Subaru.

The Best Women

Zadie Smith
Angelina Jolie
Bishop Katherine Jefferts Schori
Eleanor Roosevelt

Purpose: To list the women worth listing, in no particular order, updated randomly.
Qualities: Looking for, among other things, grace, intelligence, authenticity, passion, thoughtful expression, concern for something outside the self.
Nominations: Please.

Open Letter to the Gabfest on Why Accountability Matters

You know, I’m normally the first person in my social circle to stand up for the print press and say that they still serve the public, but today’s Gabfest really undermined that belief. It was so simple: John asked David and Emily whether the Libby trial mattered.

Clearly it doesn’t matter to you all. Your interest is in whether this trial would publicly hurt the credibility of this administration (which you assert is already hurt) or whether the trial would cause this administration to get its comeuppance (which, you assert, they actually got in the last election). It seems to me your concerns are completely cynical and extraordinarily out of touch with the concerns of the people you are supposed to serve as journalists.

As one of the ordinary people, let me tell you why this trial matters. It isn’t about credibility and it isn’t about beltway comeuppance. It is about accountability. If Scooter Libby or anyone else in this administration broke the law, they need to be accountable not to the press but to the law and, hence, the people. It is infuriating enough for ordinary people to see how cynically our leaders manipulated the press in order to further their own agenda. But then to hear you all say that, because we all now know about it, it no longer matters is incredibly disappointing.

Get your heads around this: simply saying “yes, I broke the law” or “yes, I betrayed my oath” doesn’t absolve a person of wrongdoing. Saying “I’m responsible” doesn’t mean you’re taking responsibility. There must be action. There must be restitution. And in some cases there must be trials and there must be sentences. There must be consequences when our leaders commit wrongs. Forgetting that is the ultimate cynical act.

Here's to the Ladies from Texas

A quick word about the passing of spitfire Molly Ivins and, for that matter, that wonderful Ann Richards.

When do the passing of a politician and a journalist make your heart ache? When they are two of the most deliciously outspoken women you've ever known or heard of. At 31, I've grown up in what we call the "post-feminist" generation where excellence and success are assumed to be within our reach. We're aware of the wide trail we're blazing, and with that awareness sometimes comes this need to be the best, the most accomplished, the most correct. And in that process perhaps we lose a little of our rage, our fire, our Voice.

Not so Ms. Ivins or Ms. Richards. Its gotta be the Texan within them. I know some other outspoken Texas women who are delightfully opinionated. They say what's on their minds like no others, and in that way they were the most refreshing kind of Liberals: the unapologetic and uncompromising kind.

Witty, clever, honest, and sharp as nails, a bit of Molly and of Ann will live on in my heart and in my mind and, god willing, in my pen. Forget the toast. Tonight, a good stiff shot of bourbon will be had in their honors. Well done, Ladies. Well done.

the facade of the single woman

With the news that there are now more single women than married in the US, there comes the obligatory media celebration and examination of this newly discovered creature, the majority single woman. And there’s the inevitable framing of “singledom” - "since it is now the status quo, it must be great". But the ensuing conversation, as always, is hollow and pointless: a rapid fire discussion about why its better to not be married at all than to enter into a bad relationship.

Now I’m not anti-single girls. I think the new numbers suggest a brilliant and empowering new place for modern women. They suggest that marriage is not “it” – its not the goal or the end-all-be-all. Marriage is simply one of many options that can make up a fascinating and fulfilling life for modern women. But when the Today Show invites the Bachelorette on to talk about how being single until she finds the right man, no matter how long it takes, is OK, I take issue.

What the Bachelorette and the Today Show are saying, in essence, is that its OK to wait until you’re older to find Mr. Right. And that is wrong. It still places marriage at the center of a woman’s life and avoids talking about WHY we should get married in the first place. Here’s a better question: “What makes Mr. Right right?”

First, lets agree that marriage is not necessary. It is ceremony and a shorthand description. Without it, many couples have gone on to lead committed lives and/or build successful families. Marriage begins with a symbolic ceremony that some see as a defining symbol – a statement – and that’s great, too.

But what makes a marriage work is something we do not seem to be ready to discuss. We’ll talk about how to keep “date night” going and improve sex within the marriage, but when we talk about why the single girl should stop being single, we drape the conversation in “checklists” and ephemera, and are afraid to say what needs to be said: lasting, successful marriage is series of compromises made by two imperfect people who choose to build a life together.

Building a life together is about growing together, changing together. Mr. Right today may not be exactly Mr. Right in the next decade. So what do you do then? What happens when he’s no longer the perfect match? So the marriage is now Less-Than-Ideal. What next?

Obviously the answer to that question is a personal one, but at least it’s a question that makes you stop and think.

Open Letter to Katie Holmes

The scuttlebutt is that you may not return to films for some time, what with your new baby and all. Despite being offered a 3-film deal for the new Batman features (excellent), the word is that you may give up acting, for a while anyway, in order to be a mom.

Now, before I begin, let me go on the record: Let there be no "mommy wars" here! That tired concept is media-hyped bullshit of the reality television variety. All we moms really want is for the Other Moms to listen.

And I won't pretend that I hear you. Its ridiculous to think your voice would be audible through the "TomKat" furor. Should I pretend to know the first thing about you when all I REALLY know is tabloid pap? Your personal logic is out of my reach.

But let me say this - let me say one thing I believe from the depth of my experience as a mom, whether I know you or not: don't give it up.

Don't do it. Just don't. Don't get me wrong, now. Every mom knows the temptation. Its our mantra: how can this creature NOT be the center of my universe? Or, hey, you're married to Tom Cruise! Maybe you're looking at your checkbook thinking, "Well, but I don't have to work..." Oh to have that problem.

Here's the thing: there are a million invisible fibers that attach us to the being that grew inside of us, from zero to 8 lbs. in 40 weeks. Each step we take to introduce our children to the world beyond Mom cuts at those fibers. And it hurts. It doesn't indulge that feeling of realization - or completion or bliss or whatever - that we get from being mothers. But the sooner your child is able to reach beyond the warmth of mom, to find out that there are other warm, caring people out there to love and protect you, well, isn't that the gift we really want to give our children? The ability to trust and open up to the world?

So the long and the short, Katie Holmes, is that you have, from all early indications, what it takes to be a luminous film star. I've never seen Dawson's Creek so, admittedly, I don't know from whence you came. I have seen Pieces of April and Batman Begins and, while I admit that I too have my opinions about your personal life, I think your film career has more potential than any I've seen in long while.

You have the resources to take your child to work with you. Most moms do not. You have the opportunity to shine as an actress, make wonderful cinematic art, and be with your child at the same time. What could be more illuminating for a child than to watch her mother engage with the world and shine?

For starters...

An exercise: sit down and think about your life - your career, your marriage, your relationships, your finances - and think about your troubles... Thought of something? What is your top three? What's really making you worry or stressed?

Was one of them the notion that some gay people want to get married? That one causing you and your husband to fight? Probably not. How about whether or not we burn flags? Or is it all the abortions happening everywhere that is keeping you from spending more time with your kids? And lets be real: is the repeal of the estate tax going to make it easier to pay off your credit card debt?

My point is that the things that are really important in our lives are not the things that our government cares about. They aren't the things that the media investigates. Non-issues clutter our political landscape and the result is that government does nothing - no, NOTHING - to make most American lives better.

Our issues? Debt. Family time. Education. The legacies we leave the next generation: a home, a meager inheritance, a budget surplus, an art scene, a planet. Time for us to refocus. And to take our culture with us.